Things I Learned While Away

Alien Abductions are a hoax. Why would they need to abduct trashy rednecks and probe them when the aliens can blend right in with the rest of us?

This is not a simulated virtual world a la The Matrix. If you are approached by a man who tells you he can "free your mind," kindly give him the finger and tell him to f*** off. If you subsequently wake up in a pod of goo and have input/output jacks all over your body, that world is actually the second construct of reality. A virtual world within a virtual world. I made it all the way to the third world that was just pure white light, when a voice came to me and told me that I must return to the first world construct and fake my own death in order to show people "the door".

I am not Osama bin Laden. Ann Coulter is actually an evil twin clone of mine. We take turns playing one another, much like Tony Clifton and I did for years.

Regardless of whether you believe in the devil or not, I met him down in Brazil. He showed me his credentials. Lucifer's Evil Empire has developed sophisticated holographic seals to prove that their workers really are on the side of Evil. Saddam Hussein had one, but that was obvious. Most people these days think Bush has one but it's all a big scam. Yep -- Satan confirmed that Bush is either a free agent or working for the other side. He apparently went "off the reservation" after kicking his coke and booze habit.

Speaking of coke, I learned that crack cocaine is an odorless, tasteless, highless, and utterly inactive chemical compound that was introduced by the CIA into urban areas during the 1980s as an excuse to arrest young black males. I learned this the hard way after paying $150 for some crack cocaine in Baltimore in 1994. So, go ahead, smoke some crack! Just tell your mom -- "Andy Kaufman says it's okay to smoke crack!"